What is an Anchor Relationship™, and why does it matter?
Anchor Relationships are special connections that remind people of who they are and what matters most in life. These unique bonds are marked by mutual care — a connection in which each person genuinely wants the best for the other.
The ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle claimed that people form three types of relationships in their lives¹. The first he referred to as, relationships of utility, which are typically one-sided and based in what someone gains from the connection. The second, relationships of pleasure are valued for the amusement or entertainment one person gains from being with the other.
The third type of relationship reflects a deep mutual appreciation for each other’s true character and virtues and a shared desire to see each other flourish. This type of relationship, which is referred to as an Anchor Relationship in this work, acts as a source of deep fulfillment, support, and understanding that propels each person to be their best self.
In addition to being reciprocal and rooted in virtue, an Anchor Relationship also promotes psychological well-being, because each person respects the autonomy and competence of the other person².
Who can be an Anchor?
Anyone in your life can be an Anchor for you — and you can be an Anchor for them, too. That includes your parents, your children, your spouse, your classmate, your neighbor, and your co-worker.
If you’re worried that you might not have an Anchor Relationship in your life, or if you’d like to build more Anchor Relationships in your life, sign up to join Our Community at the bottom of this page. This community will be a place to share experiences and learn to deepen our bonds with the people who matter most to us.
Anchor Relationships enable human flourishing and motivate moral and ethical behavior.
A 2019 study of moral exemplars found that Anchor Relationships act as a “reinforcing mechanism,” reminding exemplars of their moral values when confronted with a difficult choice³.
Aristotle believed that people experience true happiness through relationships marked by mutual care and that the desire to maintain these relationships is the chief reason why people act ethically. In this way, our most virtuous relationships motivate us to behave ethically⁴.
How Anchors Inspire Each Other
In interviews, people have described how the Anchors in their lives supported them during difficult times and helped them celebrate their personal moments of success.
“My Anchor provided clarity for me during a time when I was struggling. She gave me an a-hah moment that was like 'yes,’ and then I realized how I wanted to handle that situation.”
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“Early in my career, I was doing something I loved but working with someone who wasn’t honest and was taking a lot of short-cuts. I was worried that if I pushed back, things would fall apart. I found my voice with the support of my Anchor who helped me realize that I don’t have to endure indignity. I can draw hard lines, and I can handle it.”
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“[When I was young, I traveled to Germany just after the Second World War. ‘ We were in a town that was destroyed from bombing, and people were struggling to get by. I befriended a young German boy while I was there and on the day we were leaving, he gave me his most prized possession, a hand-carved sling shot.] That’s the most important event of my life. I realized on that day that we’re all alike. We are all just trying to be decent and participate in life. Because of my Anchor, I believe that we’re all the same, and it’s just prejudice that separates us.”
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“[There was a time when I was leading organizational change and a lot of people were angry about the changes I was enacting.] My Anchor said to me: ‘you cannot take this so personally.’ That was part of the issue. She also helped me capitalize on an opportunity for transformative conversation with the protagonist and talk about the issue that we need to solve together. I might have left the job without a helping hand.”
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“[I dealt with a long and painful work conflict for a number of years.] My Anchor helped me examine the issue and separate out what was me and what was real, or to see the difference between what was subjective and what was objective. Then I could deal with the emotions more consciously.”
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“[At one point in my career, I had to leave a workplace that had become toxic.] I was internalizing the stress and developing extreme apathy. My Anchor gave me strength and support to get some daylight between myself and my job. He gave me the freedom to heal, to get perspective from a traumatizing experience. I ended up being a healthier person and was able to grow from this experience. Now I have a very different way of showing up for work.”
References
Yoder, Timothy S. "Aristotle and CS Lewis on the Moral Significance of Friendship." Bibliotheca Sacra, vol.176, April 2019, pp. 203-221.
Deci, Edward L., R. M. Ryan. “Autonomy and Need Satisfaction in Close Relationships: Relationships Motivation Theory.” Human motivation and interpersonal relationships, edited by N. Weinstein, Springer Dordrecht Heidelberg, 2014, pp. 53-73.
Cummings, Kellie. “Moral Excellence: A Study of How Business Leaders Stay True to Themselves.” Scholarly Commons, August 2019. Retrieved from: https://repository.upenn.edu/mapp_capstone/227/
Jacquette, Dale. "Aristotle on the Value of Friendship as a Motivation for Morality." Journal of Value Inquiry, vol. 35, issue 3, September 2001, pp. 371-389.
